#even signing up with woodes rogers ends in disaster

[moghraidhs]

thinking about black sails and "everyone needs a partner", and how throughout the show the only one without a consistent long term partner is billy

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, November 16

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s nights with Prince Andrew and teen Virginia Roberts Giuffre

Page 2: Brad Pitt kicked married galpal Nicole Poturalski to the curb after getting flak from his ex Angelina Jolie -- Brad’s relationship with Nicole hit the skids after Brad decided he needed to shore up his image during his ongoing custody battle with Angie and his focus right now is to get his dad image back on track and give Angie no more ammo to fling back at him

Page 3: Tiger Woods’ romance with Erica Herman has gone off course over legal troubles and wedding pressure and bickering over where to live and Tiger is so fed up he’s considering ditching his nagging girlfriend in Florida and moving back to his native California -- Erica’s been pressuring him to put a ring on it ever since she moved into his Jupiter Island mansion and that’s something he just won’t do and she’s already taken over his household buying new furniture and remodeling the master bath and building a new closet and hiring a gourmet chef -- California is looking better and better to Tiger who only moved to Florida to play on its tough Bermuda grass which helped improve his swing but now Tiger’s ex Elin lives in Florida with their two kids 

Page 4: Miranda Lambert is scoffing at ex Blake Shelton’s newly announced engagement to Gwen Stefani and she’s convinced Blake’s third walk down the aisle has failure written all over it because she thinks Blake’s bad to the bone and this marriage will wind up being a total disaster and after the hell Blake put her through Miranda can’t imagine his life with Gwen would be any different, lifelong bachelor Simon Cowell has had a change of heart since his horrific August accident and he’s finally ready to tie the knot with baby mama Lauren Silverman -- after spinal surgery to repair his broken back the entertainment mogul feels lucky to be alive and walking and the one constant in his difficult rehab after surgery has been Lauren and he wants to pay her back with a ring 

Page 5: Train-wreck Wendy Williams’ wacky behavior has TV producers scrambling behind the scenes to find her replacement after her unhinged performance on a recent episode of her talk show where she slurred her words and rambled incoherently -- there had been a hope a chatfest helmed by Nick Cannon could be a safety net should the daytime diva who spent a stint in a sober living house last year not be able to continue hosting but plans for that were pushed back after the comic made anti-Semitic rants in a podcast -- they also tried Jerry O’Connell when Wendy was out for three weeks last year but he tanked with viewers -- Wendy’s a mess and it remains to be seen how long producers will be able to put up with her problems before they decide to pull the plug 

Page 6: Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo hinted that she may be making her final rounds -- Ellen who has starred on the show since 2005 and makes $20 million a year admitted she’s considering slipping out of her scrubs after the current season 17 but her departure could spell the end of the beloved series and show creator Shonda Rhimes has said it’s unlikely the show could continue without her but Ellen has also expressed her desire to spend more time with her husband and their three children

Page 7: Mariah Carey’s brother Morgan blasted her memoir as filled with lies and distortions and he’s considering legal action -- the book called Morgan and sister Alison her ex-brother and ex-sister and Mariah wrote Morgan had a long history of violence and when she was six he slammed their mother into a wall -- Mariah also wrote her siblings and mother were heartless in terms of dealing with her as a human being and once she got famous they started treating her like an ATM with a wig on but Morgan is fighting back and looking to hire a lawyer

Page 8: Reese Witherspoon’s marriage to Jim Toth is in the muck after the stunning collapse of his new business venture and tensions are mounting in the Hollywood power couple’s already troubled union now that the streaming service Quibi crumbled after less than six months leaving content acquisition president Jim out of work while Reese’s star continues to rise and there’s a real balance of power that’s been building up and that’s put a serious strain on the relationship -- living in quarantine added to the stress between them as Reese has been holed up with her two kids with ex Ryan Phillippe Ava and Deacon and her son Tennessee with Jim at the family’s ranch in Malibu

Page 9: Dementia patient Kenny Rogers cut his three adult children out of his $250 million will and now sources fear the late country legend could have been tricked into signing the document -- Kenny left everything to his 16-year-old twins sons with fifth wife Wanda and the will also stated it was his intent to specifically exclude his daughter Carole with his first wife and son Kenny Jr. with third wife and son Christopher with fourth wife and their issue as beneficiaries of his estate -- Kenny Sr. would never disown his own children according to the source especially since the singer’s son Kenny Jr. is incorrectly referred to Kenny Rogers III throughout the will -- the wording is not like Kenny Sr. and something is not right and his older kids are thinking about contesting the will 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Kate McKinnon shot a Saturday Night live skit in NYC, Sophia Bush hit the road in L.A. with her co-pilot pup Maggie, pregnant Jinger Duggar Vuolo in Venice with daughter Felicity, Heidi Klum walking the streets in her native Germany, Snoop Dogg saluted young rappers as he accepted BET’s I Am Hip Hop award 

Page 11: Unwitting Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler once dabbled in the secret sex cult NXIVM -- the organization masqueraded as a self-help group but in 2017 it was exposed as a pyramid scheme for founder Keith Raniere who forced high-ranking female recruits to become his sex slaves -- in 2010 Jen and Gerry who were dating at the time wound up at one of the introductory seminars but they were turned off by the level of commitment expected and never returned -- they thought it was just a networking opportunity and had no idea what they were getting themselves into, cash-crunched Gwyneth Paltrow is facing hard times like everyone else and is looking to change her free-spending ways -- the belt-tightening caused by the coronavirus pandemic has even hit her lifestyle empire Goop causing her to shut down the London branch and make hard choices for the future -- Gwyneth may be worth $100 million but she and husband Brad Falchuk spend money like it’s going out of style on private jets they use on a whim and they own a fleet of fancy cars and pay steep salaries for staff who are at their beck and call 24/7 and it’s all draining their bank accounts -- they’re looking at making cuts across the board from personal trainers and chefs and drivers to the masseurs and beauticians who come to their house several times a week -- plus the couple believe it’s a bad look for them to be living so high on the hog when the rest of the world is suffering during the pandemic

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Angelina Jolie spent years developing her own version of the Hollywood classic Cleopatra and now she’s livid that Gal Gadot has stolen the Egyptian queen -- Angie’s dream was to play Cleopatra the role that made Elizabeth Taylor an icon and it was to be the part that won Angie an Academy Award for Best Actress and now that’s over thanks to Gal who will be playing the Queen of the Nile instead, after ABC scrapped plans to honor Regis Philbin with a prime-time tribute Jimmy Kimmel insisted on honoring Regis on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, MSNBC talking head Rachel Maddow is fleeing New York for her Massachusetts farm after hanging a $2.3 million price tag on her NYC pad but Rachel didn’t want potential buyers looking through all the personal stuff at her apartment so all the personal pictures and books and clothing and everything else was shipped out and replaced with staged furniture, Ariel Winter and her dog (picture) 

Page 13: Ailing Joni Mitchell opened up about how she’s still struggling to get back to her old self five years after a debilitating brain bleed -- after Joni was found unresponsive in her Bel-Air home in 2015 she said she was forced to relearn everyday tasks because the aneurysm took away her speech and her ability to walk and although she’s showing slow improvement she hasn’t been writing or playing the guitar or the piano, Randy Travis is defying all the odds as he plans the greatest comeback in country music history as he is making amazing progress after suffering a massive 2013 stroke that most believed would end his career forever and he was given just 1% chance of survival and even after he pulled through doctors believed he would be bedridden and unable to speak -- instead his grueling rehab efforts have miraculously put him on the road to realizing his dream of returning to the spotlight -- some of his motivation is financial; last year he sold his Nashville home and released his memoir which was fueled by his need to pay medical expenses after years of not being able to perform

Page 14: Hollywood Hookups -- Channing Tatum and Jessie J have split again, Cole Sprouse and Reina Silva dating, Kate Beckinsale and Goody Grace split 

Page 15: Ariana Grande is raising eyebrows with her raunchy new record Positions -- the former squeaky-clean Nickelodeon star who has been dating real estate agent Dalton Gomez spouted off X-rated odes to an unnamed lover on the LP, six months after sidelining her marriage to former quarterback Jay Cutler Kristin Cavallari admitted there are good days and bad days but insisted it’s been nice to be able to focus on herself and figure out who she is now and what she ultimately wants out of life, hotel heiress Kathy Hilton is joining The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as a friend of the main cast which includes her half-sister Kyle Richards

Page 16: Crime 

Page 17: On Drew Barrymore’s talk show a psychic guest channeled the spirit of one of the host’s former in-laws but the man in question is very much alive -- medium Anna Raimondi told Drew she sensed the aura of a judge causing Drew to burst into tears and named David a relative of her ex-husband Will Kopelman claiming he’d passed but Judge David Kopelman is alive and still going strong -- Will slammed Anna was a submental hack and said he was surprised that Drew chose to give oxygen to someone like that

Page 18: American Life 

Page 20: Cover Story -- Prince Andrew is desperate to quash explosive testimony by his pedophile pal Jeffrey Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell but the socialite’s second secret deposition is torpedoing his return from royal exile -- after Ghislaine danced around details of her relationship with the disgraced Duke of York in testimony released a few weeks ago Andrew is sweating bullets about her second grilling under oath which contains details of their intimate friendship and nights with Epstein’s teen sex slave Virginia Roberts Giuffre 

Page 22: Don McLean viciously slammed ex-wife Patrisha Shnier as the worst person her ever knew but in their ongoing war of words she maintains he was abusive to her -- Don is still bitter over a 2016 domestic incident at their home in Maine that landed him behind bars and led to divorce after 30 years of marriage

Page 26: Matthew McConaughey confessed he nearly turned his back on Tinseltown to be a wildlife guide like late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin -- he made a splash in a string of blockbuster rom-coms in the ‘90s and ‘00s but he was eager to move on to meatier movies and even passed on a $14.5 million paycheck in 2010 to seek more substantial roles and the struggle left him considering other careers such as a wildlife guide, Jamie Foxx has been crushed by the death of his beloved sister DeOndra Dixon who was born with Down syndrome

Page 28: Good Catch -- Bachelor stars who are still up for grabs -- Jon Hamm, Owen Wilson, Drew Carey

Page 29: Benicio Del Toro, Ryan Seacrest, Matthew Perry, some stars seem to say I do at the drop of the hat -- Larry King, Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Bob Thornton 

Page 32: Olivia Munn was caught on camera flashing what looked like engagement bling on her left ring finger as she exited a gym following a morning workout in Los Angeles but she reportedly broke up with boyfriend Tucker Roberts last year leaving fans wondering who bought the stunning sparkler 

Page 36: Health Watch 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Michelle Pfeiffer 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Allison Janney on Mom 

Page 47: Odd List 

[epicstuckyficrecs]

Weekly Recap | August 5th-11th

I have the very bad habit of re-reading old fics when I’m about to make fic recs for them, and/or when someone on Twitter is looking for PWP recs under 10K and you suddenly find yourself reading everything on the first page of the tag XD. So yk. This is why there’s so many re-reads (and I didn’t even put them all...). Enjoy!

You can find my other Weekly Recaps here!

💙

Complete

Cry Pretty for Me by AidaRonan (Modern AU, PWP | 5K | Explicit): “I wanna make you cry tonight,” Steve said. “Real pretty for me. Can I?”

💙 Finders Keepers by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen)/ @leveragehunters (Magical realism AU, Shrinkyclinks | 12K | Teen): Sometimes, when you come home, there's a Very Large Dog in your yard. Sometimes, if you're Steve Rogers, the dog isn't a dog. It's Bucky Barnes, a SHIELD agent who's hiding from HYDRA, because it was the only way to shake their Tracker. Steve has no idea the dog's a SHIELD agent on the run from HYDRA, but he is starting to suspect that the dog? Isn't really a dog.

💙 Quench by AidaRonan (Modern AU, PWP | 9K | Explicit): Or the one where archeology intern Bucky Barnes meets actual archeologist Steve Rogers and reaches levels of thirst scientists once believed to be theoretically impossible.  (now with a sequel/second chapter!)

Reading in progress

💙 Collar Full of Chemistry by 2bestfriends (Modern AU, BDSM | 188K | Explicit): Steve is very rich and desperate to feel in control of his life again after a recent divorce has left him feeling bitter and lonely. When he keeps crossing paths with a disaster twenty-something, an unconventional solution presents itself. Bucky is very broke and can't seem to catch a break, especially after some asshole fires him for one fucking mistake. So of course, it follows that he should sign a contract agreeing to do everything and anything that same asshole wants for a whole year in exchange for a payout that could finally change his life for the better.

WIP

💙 This Side of the Blue by notlucy/ @notlucy (Mermaid AU | 25/44 | 90K | Explicit): Tucked against a set of crumbling, stone steps was a tank made of metal and glass, filled to the brim with greenish water, distorted sunlight filtering through and casting strange shadows. Playing tricks on the eye. A trick was the only explanation for what Steve saw floating there. This figment of his childhood. This myth. This legend. Within the tank, the siren bared its teeth.

💙 Like Real People Do by 2bestfriends (Shrunkyclunks, canon divergent post-Avengers | 37K | 6/10 | Explicit): Seven years into an isolated retirement after the Battle of New York, Steve has carved out a place for himself in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains. He has a best friend (his dog, Lady), a frenemy (a local black bear named Rufus), and a cabin in the middle of the woods, an hour’s drive from the nearest town. As November comes to a close, he heads into town to pick up supplies and ends up with a stowaway.

Solitary by exclamation/ @jessicameats (Canon divergent | 36/? | 90K | Mature): The Winter Soldier has been a prisoner of SHIELD for about a year and a half, placed in solitary confinement under strict security when it was clear he wasn’t going to respond to the best interrogators and deprogrammers SHIELD had available. When Fury asks a newly awakened Steve Rogers to assist, Steve is hesitant. He doesn’t understand why Fury thinks he would have a better chance of getting through to this guy than all the people who have tried and failed.

💙 i'm a ghost, you're an angel (one and the same) by voxofthevoid/ @voxofthevoid (Canon-divergent, SHIELD Agent Bucky, Nomad Steve | 2/3 | 20K | Explicit): Steve tries to seduce Bucky over to the dark side. But the Avengers are more grey than dark, and it’s still a paler shade of grey than what S.H.I.E.L.D’s got going nine times out of ten. Bucky really should be more concerned about the seduction part. ( Part 2 of i'm guilty of treason (i've abandoned control)💙 )

Re-Read

Home isn’t a place by Claudia_flies (Post-WS, PWP | 11K | Explicit): Or: Where Bucky thinks that he and Steve were together before the war.

Anything the same by Claudia_flies (Post-WS, PWP | 5K | Explicit): Or: where Bucky doesn’t remember. And they fuck. A lot.

💙 you're spring to me by SD_Ryan (PWP, Uni AU | 4,5K | Explicit): When Bucky realizes his roommate's brother has been hitting on him, he thinks maybe he can get on board with the idea. (Part 1 of Stucky Sugar Daddy)

what lies underneath by SD_Ryan (PWP, Modern AU | 5K | Explicit): Bucky stumbles onto the perfect Christmas present for Steve. (Part 2 of Stucky Sugar Daddy)

💙 Just Dropkick The Shame by rohkeutta/ @rohkeutta (Shrunkyclunks, PWP | 8K | Explicit): Bucky's pretty sure that he's not the only person to have drunk tweeted about Captain America's daddy level, but at least he doesn't fucking call Steve Rogers 'daddy' to his face. Until he kind of does.

Not in the Regs by melonbutterfly (PWP, Military AU | 6K | Explicit): This isn't something that happens to Steve. Sure, he sees people he finds attractive, and sometimes he happens to find people attractive that make him angry, but never has he met someone and just felt the overwhelming urge to shut him up. With his cock.

💙 On a Pale Horse by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (Medieval Fantasy AU | 26K | Teen): Guard Barnes—Bucky—has come to the Kingdom's largest horse fair to find a new horse. He's supposed to choose from one of the approved horses; instead he finds himself buying a tall, skinny, angry stallion with the ridiculous name of Steve. Bucky can't leave him behind, but he's nothing like what Bucky's looking for and everything Bucky doesn't want. But Bucky's more right than even he knows because Steve's not a horse at all. He's a man under a curse, victim of a powerful sorcerer's temper and magic, and he's bound to never, by action or deed, reveal what he truly is.

The Supersoldier's Amnesiac Groom by casspeach/ @casspeach (Canon-divergent, Arranged Marriage | 48K | Explicit): When Uncle Sam asks him to unite the two sides of the Cold War by taking part in a symbolic union with a fabled Russian assassin, Captain America doesn't hesitate to do his duty. Little does he know how thoroughly his world is going to be turned upside down.

Stumbling Love by giselleslash (Modern AU, Christmas | 12K | Teen): Steve’s alone at Christmas but an unusual invitation presents itself and turns his holidays into something else entirely.

[itsgonnabe-brian-may]

mirror, mirror p1/?

Word Count: 1687

Eventual Brian May x reader but slow burn because I'm mean

✦✧✦✧

The pubs and clubs downtown London were notorious for nasty dressing rooms & rehearsal rooms. This pub wasn't any different. The dressing room contained one rectangular mirror with a light missing the lampshade sitting beside it. A few beat up dark wood stained chairs that were at interesting heights.

Any band that was popular suffered enough until they were good enough to start demanding better gigs at bigger and nicer pubs. Eventually, they had a whole team to make them look like effortless rock stars and had a tour bus instead. Smile wasn't exactly there quite yet. Roger's attitude was though.

"You'd think they'd make this hell hole a little nicer if they want bands to actually play here" He spat annoyed as the 3 boys made their way into the room they haphazardly put a dressing room sign on.

"Well, at least they have a mirror so you can fix the disaster you call hair" Tim snapped back, just as annoyed.

Each of them carried on with their pre-performance rituals which were not limited to vigorous hair brushing, chugging a beer, maybe a throwing back a tequila shot if nerves were an issue, weird vocal exercises, hand stretches and cracking knuckles.  

Y/N knocked on the door with a tightlipped smile to tell the boys it was show time. She had been working for a few months now, slowly gaining more responsibilities with the backstage part of the gigs. Originally bartending and mixing perfect martini's. Standing in heels wearing a white button up and a bow tie wasn't the look she wanted to sport on a Friday night. So when the opportunity to wear a pair of worn out jeans and sneakers presented itself, she took it.  Even if it meant missing the opening songs, well... not if Smile was on, they always played loud enough to hear from the back.

As the music filled the air the atmosphere shifted. Dancing to the guitar solo you pulled out a gold tube of lipstick to re-apply the peachy pink shade. Just as you went to press the point to your lips a loud crash of drums startled you causing a streak of lipstick to end up on the mirror. It was a crisp line that looked something like a Myers Briggs test. The random mark sparked an idea, so instead of cleaning the mirror, you added more marks to form "Stellar Job Boys" in messy but somehow elegant penmanship. Laughing at the absurdity of what you just did, you finished re-applying and left to enjoy the band. Little did you know it would become a habit, but only for one certain group of boys.

Quite a bit after they had finished Roger went to the bar and god only knows where Tim went. So, only Brian had returned to the tiny dressing room. He was tired and upset but mostly overwhelmed. Tim had just left the band and been replaced in the matter of an hour. Letting out a sigh and sinking into the only chair left in the dim room, which happened to be placed in front of the mirror, that now contained a smear of lipstick. Looking up at himself he noticed the curly writing in peach. Letting out a laugh he looked around at the people tearing down the set for anyone sporting a peach-toned lip. His eyes fell upon you for a brief moment as you walked away, his eyes stayed on your back as you left but he had no idea that the handwriting had belonged to you.

✦✧✦✧

The next night had been almost the same, except Brian was constantly scanning for the peach lip. He had also be-lined for the mirror as soon as the band had stepped into the pub. Nothing. Letting out a shaky sigh he pushed his hair out of his face. He was nervous. For obvious reasons, but the missing message didn't seem to help. Roger soon kicked him out of the mirror to fix his own hair. The night went on to be a success, even if the beginning of the night had been rocky and met with backlash. Y/N had gone to clean up the dressing room once again as Smile took the stage. You began humming their first song before they started playing, so when they actually started playing you were bewildered and froze in your tracks. Quickly running to the stage curtains you watched as Freddie struggled with the mic and how Brian and Roger shared glances. Your heart went out for the boys since clearly, they weren't planning on replacing Tim with a man who has never been on stage before. However, as the night went on you were presently surprised at how good they were, dare you say better than before. Your mind drifted to the night before and the message you left, wondering if they saw it.

'It wouldn't hurt to say well done, would it? ' you whispered under your breath before turning to run to the dressing room once you heard the trio reach the last song.

Unfortunately, you didn't have the same lipstick as you had the night before so you dug out a cherry red lip from your purse. Pausing briefly before you wrote the message on the top corner, this time signing off with a heart.

Brian was the first in the dressing room, this time he wasn't alone and had a smile on his face. The night had gone particularly well and he had fun, for the first time in a while. Even Roger willingly returned to the dressing room. A hint of red on the mirror was the cause for the guitarists widening smile. In the same lettering as the night before "Surprising, but fantastic, keep the newbie" was written.

"Looks like we've got a fan," Brian said nodding towards the mirror.

"How are you sure that's meant for us?" Fred asked walking over to read it.

"Well, not many newbies in the band make us, 'surprising, but fantastic'" Rog laughed. "Do you have any guess on who she is?" He asked as a follow-up.

"What makes you think its a girl?" Freddie asked leaning closer to the mirror so the words looked as if they were on his forehead. "A man could also have written on the mirror"

"Nah, man. It's the same handwriting as the note last night, just a different color" Brian remarked.

The other two boys just looked at him.

"What?"

"What do you mean what? What message? And what did it say?" Roger quipped.

"Oh right, it said "Stellar Job Boys"  in a peach shade" Brian answered sheepishly.

Soon after all 3 boys would keep an eye out for the shade of red or peach that found it's way on the mirror after gigs. Even the new bassist, John, joined in the search. Especially after you had commented on how with the newbie they were gonna make it big. Nothing promising but they narrowed it down to one of the employees. However, their time to search for you was getting slimmer and slimmer. You had been right, with the addition of John, and the change to Queen, they were making it big. It had been a while since the 4 boys had been in the shabby dressing room. Nothing had been upgraded or changed but they could not wait to sit in that room. So, once they heard they had booked a gig there when they got back from tour, they were ecstatic. Setting up quickly due to excitement had caused Brian to leave behind the sixpence coin he used as a pick behind. It was sitting lonesome on the counter near the famed mirror.

You weren't working that night but you were there nevertheless. You weren't gonna lie, it was because you wanted to see Queen and leave another message. Normally you would be able to leave a message just before they ended, but you wanted to watch the whole set from the audience so going just before they started would have to work. Making your way through the crowd you found your way to the dressing room. Walking in you scanned the room quickly to make sure the boys had gone. Writing your message on the mirror and signing with a heart, as usual, you looked down. Your eyes widened as the glint of the sixpence caught your eye.

Meanwhile, Brian's eyes widened as well. He had forgotten his coin.

Fred had just walked on stage and the crowd went wild.

"I'll be right back" Brian whispered quickly in Roger's ear just before sprinting off to find his coin.

Roger was a bit confused but couldn't think about it much as Freddie introduced his name.

✦✧✦✧

You had just picked up the coin carefully as Brian skidded past the room and abruptly stopped and ran into the room. Freezing once he saw you.

"Oh, uh, looking for this?" You asked reaching out with the coin. He blankly stared at your lips noticing that it was the same shade as the message left that first night.

"Uh...um, yeah... thanks" He stuttered out, not believing that he had finally figured out who was behind the sweet words of encouragement and messy penmanship on the mirror.

You let out a gentle laugh and handed over the coin.

"Oh, right, Sorry, I'm Brian.." He said shyly after taking the coin.

"Y/N" You replied with a smile that lit up the entire room, distracting him from the task at hand.

✦✧✦✧

"And our guitarist, Brian May" Freddie had called out for the third time looking at the curtains where Brian was supposed to come through.

"Shit, I have to go, nice to finally meet you Y/N" Brian called running from the dressing room to the stage with a happy grin. He had made it just before Freddie announced his name for the 4th time. Once on stage waved while walking over Freddie and the other boys.

"I met her," Brian said smugly and turned to the audience looking for you, he began plucking the first chords as your eyes locked across the room.  

[ivebeenreadingandwriting]

If Lyra and Iorek were hoping for a quiet stay, they were wrong.

---------------------

It was incredibly chilling how much a city could smell so of fear, of escape, of life left halfway in that picturesque colorful landscape, yet cold and bare despite the sea waves creating a sort of contrast between the tranquility of an abandoned country and the awareness to be alone in a place so ... empty, messily chaotic for the matter.

But still empty.

The only figures to fill the calculated spaces with a triangular architecture connected to itself were the girl, her daemon, and the white bear. All three were battered with no injuries, so on this side they had been fortunate not to have suffered bodily repercussions from crossing parallel worlds. But they were hot and cold at the same time, tired and badly in need of a full night's sleep.

But caution was inherent in Lyra's footsteps: she and Pan walked a few paces ahead of Iorek, who was holding the rear guard with a skeptical, wary, unconvinced look of his surroundings. Lyra had seen him snort just before passing him with two steps, but immediately he had stretched his muzzle and through the delicate use of his teeth had pulled her back to him from the teal shirt that she still wore from Bolvangar. "Do not start walking away." he told her. Offended, Lyra turned her wild head towards him. "I wasn't! I was looking around!" she bristled, her nose wrinkled in the process. Any other human who faced him so brazenly would have ended up with his face smashed to the ground without going out of the way: but when Lyra was proving her worth, not backing down, Iorek felt his heart grow so proud. And also amused in a way, because the sight of that little face so ferocious yet still so childish brought up big smiles. But Panserbjørne don't smile, they show their affection in other ways.

And his affection was playfully snorting in her face, tickling her cheeks in the process. Lyra immediately chuckled, albeit with some annoyance, shielding her face. "stop that!" she screeched laughing. "Iorek!"

"Now listen to me. Walk beside me and don't go away." he said "if I lose sight of you, I won't have the chance to find you here."

His senses might not work as well as in their world, and if Lyra got lost, finding her would be a mess. Prevention is better than cure.

Lyra, who was stubborn but not disobedient, realized that Iorek had no intention of giving her way. Then she followed him: Iorek had the power to make her obey in the net time of five seconds, seven at the most. But because Lyra admired him so much that even just arguing as she did with Asriel seemed disrespectful to her, precisely because Iorek had great respect and admiration for the little girl he had renamed, and whom he considered as one of them. It would have been ungrateful.

Then the little girl walks cautiously next to the white bear as he gazes at his surroundings equally wary and cautious. The city was a real disaster, a slaughterhouse. Some wooden doors had been removed from the hinges, others lay on the ground ... there were writing erased on signs everywhere and childish drawings on the walls. Some shops still had clothing and food inside, but all the doors that remained were wide open.

Crates of fruit had been spilled on the ground, and apples, pears, apricots lay motionless on the roughly set stone ground. Lyra bent down to pick a few, just to understand what she was talking about. "someone must have gone in a hurry." Pan murmured as he leaned over to smell a very bad looking fruit. "It's been a while ... this stuff has gone rotten." His marten face twisted at that acrid smell. "this kind of fruit goes rotten quickly." corrected Iorek "they may have been gone for a day."

But the town was too decayed to have been abandoned for a single day. It had been uninhabited for weeks, perhaps ... difficult to understand. "what happened in this place?" Lyra wondered as she stood up and started walking next to Iorek. "maybe Asriel...?" Pan began.

"I wouldn't rule it out." Lyra responded with acidity and anger, continuing to observe the town and the sky slowly unfolding above their heads.

Something had happened in this place ... maybe people had fled for an outside attack? Iorek surveyed the walls, peering at them carefully with a critical eye. He excluded a war on his own: there were no signs of blood or marks from bullets or arrows. It was as if the city had depopulated overnight. "Lyra, can you consult the alethiometer and ask where we are?" but before Iorek could even finish, an unknown though subtle rage in Lyra railed at him briefly. "I'm not going to ask that thing anything." she growled, not looking at the Panserbjørne in his eyes. Lyra had been, more often than not, quite calm beside Iorek's presence. But now he could clearly see anger in her and frustration, clearly at Roger's death. He paused to watch her marching, her soft brown curls sitting on her shoulders and rocking with each abrupt step. "Lyra-" Pan began.

"No." she answered resolutely, her thin brows curled down threateningly as she looked at the wall beside her for signs in their language.

Not even Iorek recognized the language he saw written everywhere ... By ear it could have been Latin, but it was much less articulate and short."now we have to make our way alone." Iorek spoke calmly, "Lyra, try to be reasonable."

But the girl shook her head, lips tightly closed in a strike of silence.

And once Lyra gets stubborn like this, good luck trying to move her. Iorek gave her a nudge with his nose to make her walk "let us find a place to stay, then we shall decide what to do."

"what place?"

"It is full of empty houses, any one will do."

The house they found, which seemed quite spacious from the outside, had been closed with wooden poles stuck between the two handles of the main door. But once those were broken, the house would be accessible.

"Can you break down the door?" Lyra suggested to Iorek.

"Let's try the sweet manners for once." replied the bear, simply cutting the piece of wood in half with his index claw (thick, strong and sharp as a knife) The half-broken wood fell to the ground with a crashing sound, and automatically the dusty doors swung open sending dust in the face of the trio, who coughed and sneezed in response. "we're off to a good start ..." Lyra commented, sneezing into her arm. Pan sniffed "A dusting in here wouldn't hurt." Iorek did not deign to answer them, he just poked his head inside the house to observe the surroundings. He smelled stuffy, musty ... but the oxygen was there and seemed quite livable. He took a sniff in the air to see if there was any danger, but the way seemed clear "Come in, but do be careful." he said "don't go upstairs until I tell you."

"you say there might be someone here?"

"Do not move too fast, and do not attract attention anyway."

Whose attention, exactly? that city was empty. But without arguing and wasting their time Lyra walked in behind the bear with cautious and slow steps, coat still leaning on her shoulder and her daemon trotting behind her. Iorek now had one paw resting on the rough surface of the symmetrical stairs leading upstairs, neck tilted up and nose functioning to detect foreign odors or dangers. Lyra put her coat down on a chair, walking towards the back of the stove to see if there was any water they could carry around so as not to die of thirst, when suddenly she felt watched.

It wasn't Iorek.

It wasn't Pan.

And when a dark hand came to touch her shoulder, her nerves jumped before Iorek could even warn her of the danger. She turned with a lightning jerk, violently planted a hand in the shoulder of the one behind her and gave a shove grabbing the opposite arm of the other to keep it yanked backwards and with equal violence she sank her elbow into the back of their neck, shoving with all the force that stood straight on the surface of the table with a dull thud. Whoever it was, landing so hard on the wooden table was hurt quite badly. "Lyra!"

Before Iorek's voice could even reach her, he had already rushed to her rescue. But he had stopped immediately at the sight of a boy, at a guess much taller and stronger than her, stuck under Lyra's elbow and trying to tilt his neck to look at the one who had just landed him against a table without a precise reason. "you're hurting me!" he said in a loud, frightened voice.

Lyra had no mercy. In fact, she gritted her teeth and pushed her arm even further into the back of his neck. "so you learn to move stealthily." she growled straight into his ear.

"okay! I scared you! I'm sorry!"

"you didn't scare me! I scared you!"

Iorek had never felt more proud.

The boy spoke again. "let me go, please." he said quickly, breathing heavily. With yet another shove against the table Lyra freed him, and he hurried to get up and walk away from Lyra with his back to Iorek. And the bear was silent. "who are you?" the boy asked.

"Lyra Silvertongue."

It was the first time the new name Iorek had given her had left Lyra's mouth, and with so much pride. As if she meant 'yes, Silvertongue will forever be my name.' as the boy picked up some meanwhile fallen vase pieces, inadvertently bumping into the white mountain that was Iorek and backing away before he even got to look him in the eye "oh my god-"

"that's Iorek." Lyra replied nonchalantly while Iorek's eyes flashed in the direction of the boy, intent on fearing for his life as he swung his gaze between the girl and the bear. "Where does it come from?"

"he, not it." Lyra corrected sharply "his name is Iorek, and I'm Lyra. Are you deaf or what? Is this your house" The boy didn't seem angry, he was just confused and a little sore. You know how it is ... An unknown girl had just slammed his face against a table, and a white bear was glaring at him. "No. I'm Will." he answered, keeping a safe distance from both of them "Will Parry." he gave a tentative smile, but it was cut off quickly because Lyra was glaring at him suspiciously. At least until Pan came out from behind her, little black eyes looked at Will in surprise. "finally, someone else to talk to!" he said.

Will's eyesbrows shot up.

"and that's Pan."

The boy remained silent, total silence as he stared at Pan with wide eyes "how does he talk?"

Iorek and Lyra blinked in sync. Why did the boy seem so perplexed and surprised?

"Is this your town?"

if Pan's voice had unsettled him, Iorek's voice made him jump with fright. Hearing a bear speak in such an inquisitive way would make anyone turn white. Will opened his mouth, suddenly dry, and tried to let out a few words. Amazement stopped him, and he turned back to Lyra indicating briefly to Iorek "He talks too?" And the girl shrugged "yeah, but he doesn't talk much." She answered.

Pan began to look around the boy, while Will waved his gaze between Iorek and Pan "Talking animals ..." and a smile had made its way across his serious face. He didn't even try to reach out to caress Iorek, because he knew losing a limb would be all too easy. He then he turned to caress Pan's little head, bending over to the counter and holding out a hand.

But before she could even get close, Lyra tensed and stepped between Pan and him making a steady, threatening eye contact with him. "he's not a talking animal!" she exclaimed indignantly. "he's my daemon!"

Dæmon?

In the sense of a demon?

Will felt his brows curve down. "your what?"

The bear took a step forward from behind them, eyes pricking up. "you don't have a dæmon?" Lyra asked, looking around. "I don't see one." Pan enchoed softly, a lot more softly than Lyra.

Who was this girl? Who were the animals that accompanied her? Will shrugged gently. "I don't know what you're talking about- I don't know who you guys are, nor where you come from-" But it was at that moment that an unfriendly spark appeared in Lyra's eyes, and the girl immediately backed away. "No." she murmured, turning only to the last when she was towards the door. "Pan, Iorek, let's go." The ermine on the counter followed closely, the bear did not hesitate to go behind them leaving Will alone in the room.

"Lyra Silvertongue, wait!"

[theantisocialcritic]

Archive Project - February 7, 2014 - Avengers Lineup

2012's Avengers movie is too easily forgotten as a miracle of modern film. What was once considered a film that could and wouldn't ever work, with a lot working against it, managed to become one of the best movies of the early 21st century. This is due largely to the miracle casting of Joss Whedon as director. Prior to selling his soul… I mean future career prospects to Marvel/Disney, he gained extreme nerd credibility for his work on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog and Cabin in the Woods (which premiered around the same time as Avengers). Joss Whedon's strength as a director has always been inter-character dynamics. By that I mean, he is able to establish a large cast of characters with differing personalities that all interact with each other differently in fascinating ways. This, I imagine, was largely why he was chosen for The Avengers. His touch really does show through as we see certain characters get along and bicker. For example, Tony Stark immediately gets along with Bruce Banner, but clashes with Steve Rogers. Ultimately though, I will admit that The Avenger's as a movie suffers from 1 flaw: an overall lack of depth.  Joss spent all of his time working the movie developing the character's personalities and interactions, but the resulting script was pretty much a standard action movie with little to say about people, life, the universe, etc. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't detract from the movie, but what it does is two things. The first is that is keeps the movie from really standing out as potentially the greatest Superhero and Action movie of all time (though I will say it easily get's second best for me personally). The second is that it makes me really worried for the sequel, 2015's Avengers: Age of Ultron. Joss has stated in interviews that his influences for making this movie are The Empire Strikes Back and The Godfather Part II, which I would take as good signs if that actually was some sort of signifier that the movie's inspiration was other good movies. What he has also seemed to have done is to take nearly every single fan request for a character appearance and stuck them into the script while simultaneously making the story darker and more complex. I'm nervous because the last time I saw a movie that tried this strategy, making the movie darker, more complex, with more characters, and taking inspiration from another great movie (in this case Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan) was the unfortunately complicated misfire that was Star Trek into Darkness. I'm not saying that Joss Whedon is going in a bad direction with Avengers 2 or that he isn't talented at what he does. In fact if there is any director I would trust to make this movie work.. IT IS JOSS WHEDON! I'm just worried too many people out there are already convinced that Avengers Age of Ultron is predestined to become some sort of modern cinematic masterpiece when there is just as good a chance that the whole experiment could fall apart on itself if it makes a severe misfire. Overall though my main fear, as I mentioned briefly before, is the casting. Reading the cast list for this movie on Wikipedia makes me really afraid that Joss Whedon might be a bit over his head here and that he could be biting off more than he can chew. Lets look back of his record so far: Ok.. Firefly: 9 central characters, plus rotating cast of antagonists The characters had great dynamics and the show had a deep emotional core with a fully realized world. Avengers 1: 10 central characters, plus 1 primary antagonist One of the best Superhero-Action movies ever, kinda weak story but REALLY awesome!!   Avengers 2: 9 Protagonists, 5 antagonists remains to be seen.. So maybe it doesn't sound like that much, but 14 main characters are a lot to throw around, especially when you are balancing multiple bad guys with different goals and story lines. Again, thats not to say it can't work. The first Die Hard movie had 12 villains.   So the question is, how do you balance a two hour movie with fourteen or more characters. My best guess: do it the way they did in the old Star Trek shows: create a diverse cast of personalities but keep the focus primarily on the important figures. In old Star Trek, the stories usually revolved around Captain Kirk, Commander Spock and Dr. "Bones". Yah, characters like Uhara and Scotty got screen time but it wasn't guaranteed in every episode and was less significant than the main trio. If Avengers: Age of Ultron keeps it's focus on the right characters and gives screen time where it is needed then it really could end up something of a great movie! But it's important to approach this cautiously, as this could very easily turn out to be an X-Men: The Last Stand level disaster if the ball is dropped. Or alternatively, it could be a Man of Steel 2… I mean Batman vs… I mean NOT Justice League level screwup. The saving grace here is that we have hope. At the helm of this movie is an incredibly talented group of actors, directors and special effects artists who genuinely care about the material. The Avengers movies are one of those rare little treats where Hollywood figured out that they could make a lot of money by honoring the source materials people care about and making genuinely great, light hearted and fun action movies out of such odd, out there concepts. Who would have thought a movie about The Norse God of Thunder or Ayn Rand in a robot suit would become to most dominating movies out there. What i'm really hoping for is that the huge cast that Joss Whedon is collecting is for a greater purpose for these movies. The fact is, sadly.. these actors aren't going to be around forever. Eventually Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evens, Robert Downey Jr and the rest will get tired of the roles and try to retire the characters. We almost saw this with Downey in Iron Man 3. By making such a huge cast, maybe Joss is preparing for the ugly reality that we will all have to face at some point, that Chris Hemsworth as Thor really isn't immortal. That the invincible Iron Man really isn't. Just looking ahead at Marvel's Phase 3 movies, you can really see this. Marvel/Disney is currently in talks right now for potential movies for Dr. Strange, Black Panther, Ms. Marvel and Blade. Not to mention the Netflix Original Series' coming in 2015 for Luke Cage, Iron Fist, Daredevil and Jessica Jones. Don't take this as cynical. If anything, the untold possibilities with these films has me more excited for them than anything else! I'm not nearly excited for stuff like Star Wars VII or The LEGO Movie as I am for Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man and Avengers 2! And in the meantime, I can confidently say that the characters we know and love will be around for quite a while! Thor 3 and Captain America 3 have already been announced! Take from this a sense of cautious optimism. These are the movies we will hand down to our children. Even if things crash and burn from here on out, we still got 8 amazing movies out of this deal! And I can say with confidence, that we will probably have more than 8 of these films to pass on. :) Thank you for reading! Live long and prosper!

[xtruss]

On Behalf of Environmentalists, I Apologize For the Climate Scare

"Climate change is happening. It’s just not the end of the world. It’s not even our most serious environmental problem"

— Michael Shellenberger | August 1, 2020 | Anti-Empire | Quillette

On behalf of environmentalists everywhere, I would like to formally apologize for the climate scare we created over the last 30 years. Climate change is happening. It’s just not the end of the world. It’s not even our most serious environmental problem. I may seem like a strange person to be saying all of this. I have been a climate activist for 20 years and an environmentalist for 30.

But as an energy expert asked by Congress to provide objective expert testimony, and invited by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) to serve as expert reviewer of its next assessment report, I feel an obligation to apologize for how badly we environmentalists have misled the public.

Here are some facts few people know:

Humans are not causing a “sixth mass extinction”

The Amazon is not “the lungs of the world”

Climate change is not making natural disasters worse

Fires have declined 25 percent around the world since 2003

The amount of land we use for meat—humankind’s biggest use of land—has declined by an area nearly as large as Alaska

The build-up of wood fuel and more houses near forests, not climate change, explain why there are more, and more dangerous, fires in Australia and California

Carbon emissions are declining in most rich nations and have been declining in Britain, Germany, and France since the mid-1970s

The Netherlands became rich, not poor while adapting to life below sea level

We produce 25 percent more food than we need and food surpluses will continue to rise as the world gets hotter

Habitat loss and the direct killing of wild animals are bigger threats to species than climate change

Wood fuel is far worse for people and wildlife than fossil fuels

Preventing future pandemics requires more not less “industrial” agriculture

I know that the above facts will sound like “climate denialism” to many people. But that just shows the power of climate alarmism.

In reality, the above facts come from the best-available scientific studies, including those conducted by or accepted by the IPCC, the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations (FAO), the International Union for the Conservation of Nature (IUCN) and other leading scientific bodies.

Some people will, when they read this, imagine that I’m some right-wing anti-environmentalist. I’m not. At 17, I lived in Nicaragua to show solidarity with the Sandinista socialist revolution. At 23 I raised money for Guatemalan women’s cooperatives. In my early 20s I lived in the semi-Amazon doing research with small farmers fighting land invasions. At 26 I helped expose poor conditions at Nike factories in Asia.

I became an environmentalist at 16 when I threw a fundraiser for Rainforest Action Network. At 27 I helped save the last unprotected ancient redwoods in California. In my 30s I advocated renewables and successfully helped persuade the Obama administration to invest $90 billion into them. Over the last few years I helped save enough nuclear plants from being replaced by fossil fuels to prevent a sharp increase in emissions.

But until last year, I mostly avoided speaking out against the climate scare. Partly that’s because I was embarrassed. After all, I am as guilty of alarmism as any other environmentalist. For years, I referred to climate change as an “existential” threat to human civilization, and called it a “crisis.”

But mostly I was scared. I remained quiet about the climate disinformation campaign because I was afraid of losing friends and funding. The few times I summoned the courage to defend climate science from those who misrepresent it I suffered harsh consequences. And so I mostly stood by and did next to nothing as my fellow environmentalists terrified the public.

I even stood by as people in the White House and many in the news media tried to destroy the reputation and career of an outstanding scientist, good man, and friend of mine, Roger Pielke, Jr., a lifelong progressive Democrat and environmentalist who testified in favor of carbon regulations. Why did they do that? Because his research proves natural disasters aren’t getting worse.

But then, last year, things spiraled out of control.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said “The world is going to end in 12 years if we don’t address climate change.” Britain’s most high-profile environmental group claimed “Climate Change Kills Children.”

The world’s most influential green journalist, Bill McKibben, called climate change the “greatest challenge humans have ever faced” and said it would “wipe out civilizations.” Mainstream journalists reported, repeatedly, that the Amazon was “the lungs of the world,” and that deforestation was like a nuclear bomb going off.

As a result, half of the people surveyed around the world last year said they thought climate change would make humanity extinct. And in January, one out of five British children told pollsters they were having nightmares about climate change. Whether or not you have children you must see how wrong this is. I admit I may be sensitive because I have a teenage daughter. After we talked about the science she was reassured. But her friends are deeply misinformed and thus, understandably, frightened. I thus decided I had to speak out. I knew that writing a few articles wouldn’t be enough. I needed a book to properly lay out all of the evidence.

And so my formal apology for our fear-mongering comes in the form of my new book, Apocalypse Never: Why Environmental Alarmism Hurts Us All. It is based on two decades of research and three decades of environmental activism. At 400 pages, with 100 of them endnotes, Apocalypse Never covers climate change, deforestation, plastic waste, species extinction, industrialization, meat, nuclear energy, and renewables.

Some highlights from the book:

Factories and modern farming are the keys to human liberation and environmental progress

The most important thing for saving the environment is producing more food, particularly meat, on less land

The most important thing for reducing air pollution and carbon emissions is moving from wood to coal to petroleum to natural gas to uranium

100 percent renewables would require increasing the land used for energy from today’s 0.5 percent to 50 percent

We should want cities, farms, and power plants to have higher, not lower, power densities

Vegetarianism reduces one’s emissions by less than 4 percent

Greenpeace didn’t save the whales, switching from whale oil to petroleum and palm oil did

“Free-range” beef would require 20 times more land and produce 300 percent more emissions

Greenpeace dogmatism worsened forest fragmentation of the Amazon

The colonialist approach to gorilla conservation in the Congo produced a backlash that may have resulted in the killing of 250 elephants

Why were we all so misled?

In the final three chapters of Apocalypse Never I expose the financial, political, and ideological motivations. Environmental groups have accepted hundreds of millions of dollars from fossil fuel interests. Groups motivated by anti-humanist beliefs forced the World Bank to stop trying to end poverty and instead make poverty “sustainable.” And status anxiety, depression, and hostility to modern civilization are behind much of the alarmism.

Once you realize just how badly misinformed we have been, often by people with plainly unsavory or unhealthy motivations, it is hard not to feel duped. Will Apocalypse Never make any difference? There are certainly reasons to doubt it.

The news media have been making apocalyptic pronouncements about climate change since the late 1980s, and do not seem disposed to stop. The ideology behind environmental alarmism—Malthusianism—has been repeatedly debunked for 200 years and yet is more powerful than ever.

But there are also reasons to believe that environmental alarmism will, if not come to an end, have diminishing cultural power. The coronavirus pandemic is an actual crisis that puts the climate “crisis” into perspective. Even if you think we have overreacted, COVID-19 has killed nearly 500,000 people and shattered economies around the globe.

Scientific institutions including the World Health Organisation and IPCC have undermined their credibility through the repeated politicization of science. Their future existence and relevance depends on new leadership and serious reform. Facts still matter, and social media is allowing for a wider range of new and independent voices to outcompete alarmist environmental journalists at legacy publications.

Nations are reverting openly to self-interest and away from Malthusianism and neoliberalism, which is good for nuclear and bad for renewables. The evidence is overwhelming that our high-energy civilization is better for people and nature than the low-energy civilization that climate alarmists would return us to.

The invitations from IPCC and Congress are signs of a growing openness to new thinking about climate change and the environment. Another one has been to the response to my book from climate scientists, conservationists, and environmental scholars. “Apocalypse Never is an extremely important book,” writes Richard Rhodes, the Pulitzer-winning author of The Making of the Atomic Bomb. “This may be the most important book on the environment ever written,” says one of the fathers of modern climate science Tom Wigley.

“We environmentalists condemn those with antithetical views of being ignorant of science and susceptible to confirmation bias,” wrote the former head of The Nature Conservancy, Steve McCormick. “But too often we are guilty of the same. Shellenberger offers ‘tough love:’ a challenge to entrenched orthodoxies and rigid, self-defeating mindsets. Apocalypse Never serves up occasionally stinging, but always well-crafted, evidence-based points of view that will help develop the ‘mental muscle’ we need to envision and design not only a hopeful, but an attainable, future.”

That is all I hoped for in writing it. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’ll agree that it’s perhaps not as strange as it seems that a lifelong environmentalist, progressive, and climate activist felt the need to speak out against the alarmism.

I further hope that you’ll accept my apology.

— Source: Quillette

[mytherapistsays-blog]

The Princess Switch is a Tale as Old as Time

The Princess Switch is a Tale as Old as Time ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ @MyTherapistSays ⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ https://mytherapistsays.ca/the-princess-switch-is-a-tale-as-old-as-time/

Or… as old as the merging-of-two-frames editing technique. Vanessa Hudgens is the latest star to sink down to join in on the low budget Christmas movie train, playing two mysteriously identical strangers who swap places and assume each other’s identities. Sound familiar? The answer should be yes, because since time immemorial we’ve witnessed many a Disney starlet in more or less the same film. The question is, who did it better? Someone call Us Weekly, because we are blowing this sh*t wide open.

IT TAKES TWO

(MARY KATE & ASHLEY OLSEN, 1995)

Okay, to be fair (barring any outlandish conspiracy theories), these two actually are separate human beings, but the identity swap principle still applies. In this 90’s classic, orphan-girl/ inner-city-kid Amanda attempts to trespass explores the woods beyond the grounds of her summer camp and bumps (quite literally) into prim and proper Alyssa, who lives with her rich ass wealthy father, Roger. Amanda is about to be adopted by the Butkises, the family who collects kids for child labour- actually you know what, it was for child labour- and Alyssa is about to have the gold-digging stepmother from hell, Clarice. They decide to swap places so Alyssa can know what it’s like to be a real kid and Amanda can know what it’s like to have real human affection, and they work together to set up Alyssa’s social worker with Amanda’s father. Chaos, food fights, and less-than-romantic horseback rides ensue.

Pros: Olsen twins before their acting skills absolutely nosedived. Kirstie Alley. Whoever the rich dad’s driver was.

Cons: The Butkises. The horror that was THIS scene.

Most memorable line:

Amanda: It’s got to be that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right?

THE PARENT TRAP

(LINDSAY LOHAN, 1998)

Another unmistakable 90’s classic, which also coincidentally involves the same-but-not-the-same girls to meet over summer camp. Hallie is a cool, laid back Cali gal while Annie is a posh English girl. Despite a rocky start meeting at summer camp (what are the chances!) the girls realize they have the same birthday… and the same parents- wait, they’re sisters?! They decide to switch places so that they can like, actually MEET the other parent who has abandoned them for years, and set up their rich vineyard owning father with their classy but slightly disheveled mother, and also get rid of their treacherous stepmother to be, Meredith Blake. They succeed, and though this movie has the best cast and best soundtrack possible, it is seriously unsettling how f*cked up it is for their parents to keep them apart and live without one of their own daughters. What kind of co-parenting tactic is that?!

Pros: Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid. The epic handshake sequence. Vineyards. London. The crackling-candy-wrapper-to-sound-like-static phone hack. Also Janice from Friends.

Ohhh. Myyyy. GAAAHD.

Cons: The cringey prank wars between Hallie and Annie that are honestly very telling of how frightening and ruthless 12 year old girls can be. The hot-pin-and-apple-as-a-homemade-ear-piercing-kit. Meredith and the lizard. This movie is not for the weak of stomach.

Most memorable line:

Hallie (or Annie, who tf knows): So if your Mom is my Mom and my Dad is your Dad… and we’re both born on October 11th, then you and I are… like… sisters.

THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE

(HILARY DUFF, 2003)

In the best movie-from-a-TV-show production of all time, Lizzie and her, like what, eighth grade graduation class take a graduation trip to Italy (??? wtf? Is this PCA? How is everyone affording this?). Lizzie bumps into Paolo, a cute, charming Italian boy whose age I am really troubled by and don’t want to think about too much tbh, because I am already scarred from watching one too many episodes of Age Gap Couples. While Gordo is trapped in the Upside Down friend zone, Lizzie begins gallivanting around Rome with Paolo, who out of the blue drops a bomb on her that she is the exact Doppelganger for his former singing partner and could she like, assume her identity? Leave it to Lizzie McGuire to say yes, Kate willingly helping her out by covering for her (yes, hell really has freezed over) and shit to hit the fan. It all ends with Paolo being exposed for the weenie that he is (which we really should have anticipated from this lewk below):

We have Lizzie performing at the Colo freakin seum, while Gordo is clawing his way out of the friend zone (but I’m sure if Lizzie McGuire continued into their high school years she would have fallen for a Jesse McCartney or equivalent hottie of the day and dumped Gordo’s ass).

Pros: Italy. Pasta. Ethan Craft!

Cons: Paolo. No Miranda?!

Most Memorable Lines (because you can’t pick just one):

Kate: Lizzie McGuire, you are an outfit repeater!

Miss Ungermeyer: David Gordan. I think that’s Italian for ‘sneaky little brown noser with a hidden agenda’.

Miss Ungermeyer: Mr. Craft, you are in the most beautiful city in the world, is this having any effect on you?

Ethan: Yeah the cobble stones are like totally thrashing on my wheels.

Isabella: Sing to me, Paolo!

MONTE CARLO

(SELENA GOMEZ, 2011)

After years of saving from her shitty waitress job, Grace, a down-on-her-luck Texan girl fresh out of high school, finally gets to go to Paris with David Cassidy’s daughter her coworker Emma. Instead of the vacation of her dreams, she gets a shitty tour bus version of the city with Blair Waldorf as her salty stepsister, Meg, tagging along. It doesn’t take long for the girls to have a falling out and find themselves in a swanky hotel lobby to take shelter from the rainstorm that is kind of a metaphor for their disaster of a trip. Their luck changes when Grace is mistaken for a wealthy British heiress, and with some encouragement from Emma takes her place and fills in for her duties, which leads the three girls to Monaco. Grace falls for Theo, a local rich boy with other character qualities that don’t seem notable to me at the moment; Meg falls for an adventurous Aussie, and Emma just really wants to get home to her long term boyfriend Owen and install some dimmer lights. Of course the fiasco unfolds when Cordelia returns unexpectedly, and some drama goes down with an expensive piece of jewelry going missing (a telltale sign of an unoriginal plot). But not to worry because just like every chick flick out there, everyone gets a happy ending. 

Pros: The excellent casting of romantic interests (Read: Corey Monteith, Luke Bracey, Pierre Boulanger). Who Says. Monte Carlo- it actually looks really effing bomb. Why is Monaco so underrated?! I might just be too poor to even have it on my radar as a travel destination.

Seriously. God bless this casting director.

Cons: Selena Gomez’s acting. Selena Gomez’s fake British accent. The fact that I will never be mistaken for an heiress and have a whirlwind romance with a foreign wealthy man.

Most memorable lines:

Grace: I finally meet a guy who likes me for me. And I’m not even me.

THE PRINCESS SWITCH

(VANESSA HUDGENS, 2018)

So here we are in present day. Let me just start by saying, there isn’t even a princess in this movie. Lady Margaret is a duchess. It’s called royal decorum honey, look it up. Stacy, a baker from Chicago, is somehow invited to this very prestigious international baking competition in Genovia Aldovia Belgravia (is anyone else noticing that these fake European countries all kind of sound like font families?), and ditches her bakery during what I assume would be her busiest time of the year to hop across the world with her business partner/ best friend and his daughter. There she runs into Lady Margaret, who mysteriously looks exactly like her and proposes they swap places so she can get away from the world of schedules. Stacy agrees, and falls for Margaret’s fiance of an arranged marriage/ loveless engagement, Prince Edward of Belgravia. Meanwhile Margaret falls for Stacy’s DILF friend Kevin. They manage to swap back before Stacy’s competition (which she wins despite her competitor cutting the cord to her Kitchen Aid, which she only notices after the majority of the cake has been baked, which like, b*tch, how were you mixing the batter before?), only for the Prince and Margaret to have to present the awards to the winners (because like, I’m sure that’s how William and Kate fill their schedule). Though Margaret had revealed their secret to Edward before the event, the four go backstage to give Kevin the downlow. Stacy is alarmingly okay with Edward (sort of) proposing to her, and Kevin is alarmingly okay with this despite having JUST caught feelings for who he thought was his best friend? Flash forward to a year later, and Edward and Stacy have married, and it is implied Kevin and Margaret are next? What the hell happened to their award winning bakery?

Pros: Gunner from Nashville. Kevin’s abs.

Cons: The haircut. The Jackie O blazer and pencil skirt ensembles. Another ill fated horse riding trip. The mysterious old guy who kept showing up but whose presence/ significance was never really explained?

Seriously, why is everyone dressed straight outta 1952?

Most memorable line: 

Stacy/Margaret: In fact I took a nap on it. Slept like a log.

Edward: A log?

Stacy/ Margaret: Yes, dear, a royal log. It’s an expression we have in Montenaro.

Over the passage of time, the same-actress-two-characters/ swapping identities plotline has served us some of our most heartwarming and cheesy memories of film. I honestly don’t know if there really is a way to rank which is best, because they are all terrible in their own right. What matters most is that this tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme seems to keep going strong 20 years later, so we can expect another version of this more-or-less same story to make us gag/dazzle us in the coming years.

[give-me-a-minute-to-think]

op's tags: #there's gates in s1 (who then is murdered)#and then billy spends the next three seasons trying to find a partner and always losing#he loses silver to flint#he loses ben and the others to silver#even signing up with woodes rogers ends in disaster#and at the end he's all alone again#if flint's story in 208 was true#then billy spends all that time looking for a (somewhat) stable family dynamic to replace the one he lost as a child#only to be disappointed at every turn bc everyone he chooses is way more fucked up than him#it just makes me sad okay

thinking about black sails and "everyone needs a partner", and how throughout the show the only one without a consistent long term partner is billy

[epicstuckyficrecs]

Weekly Recap | August 12th-18th

Sorry it’s a bit late! Here’s what I read in the last week :) 

~

Complete

Water Landing by romanticalgirl (Modern AU | 8K | Teen): From the prompt: My dog is the size of a mini horse and forcibly knocked you into the duck pond for that hot dog you were about to take a bite out of.

here is no mistake by amethystkrystal (Post-Endgame, canon-divergent |  <1K | General): Bucky Barnes is worthy.

we were running riot by steveandbucky (canon-divergent, TFA | 2,4K | Explicit): The train is still running at full speed. Steve swears under his breath. He almost just lost Bucky.

Have You Seen This Person? by fallendarlings (Post-WS | 2,5K | Teen): Missing persons fliers start showing up in Steve's apartment. They have his face on them and they're written in Bucky's handwriting.

💙 Collar Full of Chemistry by 2bestfriends (Modern AU, BDSM | 188K | Explicit): Steve is very rich and desperate to feel in control of his life again after a recent divorce has left him feeling bitter and lonely. When he keeps crossing paths with a disaster twenty-something, an unconventional solution presents itself. Bucky is very broke and can’t seem to catch a break, especially after some asshole fires him for one fucking mistake. So of course, it follows that he should sign a contract agreeing to do everything and anything that same asshole wants for a whole year in exchange for a payout that could finally change his life for the better.

💙 the way you slam your body into mine reminds me i’m alive (but monsters are always hungry, darling) by voxofthevoid (Shrunkyclunks, Avenger Bucky | 3K | Explicit): Steve doesn’t wait for an invitation, bodily pushing Bucky out of the way and kicking the door shut behind him. Bucky wouldn’t put up with that shit, not normally, but Steve lays his hands on him, hot and huge over bare skin, and then there’s teeth closing in on his throat, and Bucky can’t think. (Part 4 of couldn't get the boy to kill me)

tell yourself this is how it's going to be by belovedmuerto (post-CW | 25K | Mature): Steve is absolutely one hundred percent not going to cry himself to sleep.

Good Friends by eadunne2 (Evanstan RPF | 3,8K | Explicit): “I was just wondering what you think about the fact that everyone thinks you’re dating?” “I mean we’re good friends so, thanks but no thanks.”

Happy Birthday, Sebastian Stan by dixons_mama (Evanstan RPF | 2,5K | Explicit): Chris surprises Sebastian on his birthday, and things take a turn that neither expected. Maybe birthday wishes do come true.

Something Simple by Catchclaw (Evanstan AU | 2,9K | Explicit): Chris woke up with a hangover and a half-hearted hard-on and a softly snoring dude in his bed.

My Arms Are Open by dixons_mama (TFA | 2,9K | Explicit): When Steve sees that Bucky is struggling after escaping Azzano, he decides to do all he can to help the love of his life recover.

Starbucks by lockedlocke (Modern AU, skinny Steve | 4,3K | Explicit): Bucky presses the middle button on his phone again, and then once more to unlock it. He instantly taps the white text bubble in the green icon, goes to the chat he’s got with Steve and starts to type. He presses send before he even realizes what he wrote. “I will suck your dick if you bring me Starbucks.”

Parade Rest by caleprwrite (Shrinkyclinks | 12K | Explicit): Bucky can be a cranky asshole, but Pepper knows best just what he needs. Bucky will get it whether he likes it or not. And he'll say thank you. Enter Steven Grant Rogers, Massage Therapist and friend to Pepper Potts.

In Repair by sablier_bloque (post-Endgame | 3,8K | Mature): In 2023, Steve Rogers lays down his shield, joins Twitter, and finds purpose beyond the battlefield—with Bucky Barnes at his side.

WIP

💙 Like Real People Do by 2bestfriends (Shrunkyclunks, canon divergent post-Avengers | 59K | 9/10 | Explicit): Seven years into an isolated retirement after the Battle of New York, Steve has carved out a place for himself in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains. He has a best friend (his dog, Lady), a frenemy (a local black bear named Rufus), and a cabin in the middle of the woods, an hour’s drive from the nearest town. As November comes to a close, he heads into town to pick up supplies and ends up with a stowaway.

we miss being ruffians by napricot (Post-WS, canon-divergent | 67K | 12/? | Explicit): Assorted snippets post-they're gonna send us to prison for jerks 💙. Chapter 12: Maybe there was some modern context Bucky was missing. Not that it mattered. What mattered here was Bucky’s innovative new plan to combine winning date night with pranking Steve. Because what was better than getting Steve all hot and bothered? Getting Steve hot and bothered while mildly terrorizing him with terrible Captain America merchandise, that was what.

💙 This Side of the Blue by notlucy/ @notlucy (Mermaid AU | 27/44 | 97K | Explicit): A trick was the only explanation for what Steve saw floating there. This figment of his childhood. This myth. This legend. Within the tank, the siren bared its teeth.

Solitary by exclamation/ @jessicameats (Canon divergent | 38/? | 94K | Mature): The Winter Soldier has been a prisoner of SHIELD for about a year and a half, placed in solitary confinement under strict security when it was clear he wasn’t going to respond to the best interrogators and deprogrammers SHIELD had available. When Fury asks a newly awakened Steve Rogers to assist, Steve is hesitant. He doesn’t understand why Fury thinks he would have a better chance of getting through to this guy than all the people who have tried and failed.

💙 Political Animals by crinklefries, Deisderium (Modern AU, politics | 1/9 | 5K | Explicit): Okay, so the real problem is that you shouldn’t fuck your arch-rival, political enemy, and the person you loathe the most in the world where you work. Or like, at least, you shouldn’t keep doing that.

Re-Read

Flying Practice by cyclamental (Dragonriders of Pern AU | 11K | Explicit): Bucky gets his ass-cherry popped, an allegory heavily inspired by the Dragonriders of Pern. So, you know - First Time, but with dragons.

💙 some days i (wish that i wasn't myself) by notcaycepollard, Roga (Evanstan AU, journalist Seb, actor Chris | 6K | Mature): The problem, Seb never meant to say out loud, has always been that if he got Chris Evans’ dick in his mouth it would definitely end up making the story.

mere colors by brostucky (orphan_account) (Soulmates Uni AU | 27K | Teen): That’s when Bucky takes a deep breath and shoves his way through the crowd.And, really, it’s that moment that shit starts to hit the fan.

Stars Out Of The Blue by luninosity (Evanstan RPF | 6,3K | Teen): Chris Evans accidentally kicks Sebastian Stan off a broken helicarrier set on Monday afternoon. It’s the worst moment of his life. Monday evening, however, contains the best moment. Indisputably. Ever.